102 Things...

102 Things Which Are No Longer Allowed In the Dimensional Navy

1. No flirting with anybody who outranks me.
2. No poking holes in the vending machines just because one ate my quarter.
3. Not allowed to wear anything but my official uniform to formation.
4. Especially not allowed to wear silly hats, wigs, and/or dresses of any kind to formation, no matter how funny the maid outfit was.
5. When CPT. Celestial says to fix the dirty magazine problem, he means to check my weapons.
6. Not allowed to use other soldiers' beds as scratching posts.
7. May not replace my unit insignia with the Warner Brothers logo, the Playboy logo, or anything else.
8. I am not a zen master, and I do not have the power to explode people's brains with a thought.
9. ADM. Blue is not to be referred to as "algae breath", even when he isn't around.
10. SMN. Mouser is not "shark bait".
11. Video cameras are not allowed in the barracks.
12. Especially if they are not readily visible.
13. I am to accept responsibility for my actions, no matter how wasted I was at the party last night.
14. I am to recite my proper cadence, and never the Captain Jack rendition of "In the Navy".
15. There are no pimps, hoes, playas, bitches or mack-daddies on this ship. Period.
16. I am not allowed to tell new soldiers that Ramsey makes his stew from unruly recruits.
17. No re-enacting a scene from "The Road Warrior".
18. Spankings are not to be administered under any circumstances and are not a suitable reprimand.
19. This goes double if applied toward the opposite sex.
20. Spontaneous rap battles are to be performed on my own time.
21. Special requests chits are not to contain any of the following words or phrases: Gigantic, latex, glow-in-the-dark, Antonio Banderas, lead-based, blood of innocent, 10,000-watt, extra-strength, on fire, brains, double-ended, extra-chunky.
22. Playing "Assassins" with superior officers is never a good idea.
23. Along this vein, putting Tabasco sauce in CPT. Celestial's lunch is not funny.
24. Lady Gaga lyrics are not an appropriate response to any question asked.
25. I am not entitled to being fanned and fed grapes.
26. No calling my fellow soldiers "toadies".
27. Just because it was microwaved doesn't necessarily make it radioactive.
28. Not allowed to jam anything into the propellers.
29. Not allowed to sacrifice new recruits to any ancient deity.
30. The directing lights are only for the air traffic directors.
31. No swapping the directing lights with popsicles, glowsticks, etc.
32. Let the other guys put up the Christmas lights.
33. Especially if it's July.
34. No making a haunted house out of the engine room, even on Halloween.
35. Not allowed to put "Baby on Board" signs on fellow soldiers' dorm rooms.
36. No pretending to be pregnant. It wasn't funny last time, it's not funny now.
37. No matter how inedible, Ramsey's chili is neither alive nor a good form of jet fuel.
38. Put your pants back on, asshole.
39. No filming CPT. Celestial's "portal incidents", and no sending them to America's Funniest Home Videos.
40. Nor may I send them to ANY conspiracy theory show as "proof" of an alien abduction.
41. I may not have a litter box.
42. Is not the answer to any REAL question.
43. No prank-calling General Ni of the Dimensional Army, even if he DID steal your teddy bear/lottery ticket/ramen/Dr. Pepper/Super Bowl ticket/Key to the City/etc.
44. There are NO zombies in the closets.
45. Nor are there any skeletons. Even in CPT. Celestial's closet.
46. There are no monsters/skeletons/zombies/ghosts/ghouls/Xenomorphs/leprechauns/clowns/Al-Queda suicide bombers/etc. under my bed.
47. I am not, nor have I ever been the walrus.
48. I am not, nor have I ever been the eggman OR Dr. Eggman.
49. I am not, nor have I ever been the carpenter.
50. I am not, nor have I ever been bringing sexy back.
51. I am not allowed to show up to formation wearing nothing but a towel and a shower cap.
52. I do not have my own variation of the bat signal.
53. I am not allowed to GET any variation of the bat signal.
54. I am not allowed to steal confiscated items for "personal use".
55. I am not allowed to say "Warning, incoming game." Over the PA system.
56. I am not allowed to quote Psychonauts over the PA system.
57. I am not allowed to use the PA system to play bingo.
58. I am not allowed to use the PA system to pretend the ship is a summer camp of any sort.
59. I am not allowed to blare heavy metal over the PA system. Especially at 3 in the morning.
60. I am not allowed to play classical music on the PA system really quietly at 2 in the morning and turn it up loud for the "lively parts".
61. I am banned from the PA system.
62. It is not, nor will it ever be a "thriller night".
63. I am not allowed to play the following music on any sound system at high volume; Sexyback, Thriller, I Am the Walrus, Caramelldansen, Dragostea Din Tei, You Spin Me Right Round, the "Strawberry Shortcake" theme, the "My Little Pony Theme", or any video game music whatsoever.
64. In addition to the previous, I can not play the Russian National Anthem at any volume when high-ranking officials are on the ship, no matter how cool Behr thinks it is.
65. The Dimensional Navy is not owned by Conglom-O.
66. The name of our ship is not "The Yellow Submarine".
67. CPT. Celestial is not allowed to convert the ship's aethetics to look like it is retro-futuristic, cyberpunk, steampunk, shiny "like an iPod", an organic spaceship, the USS Enterprise, the Death Star OR the Millenium Falcon.
68. There is no "Robot Chicken" loose on the ship.
69. The brig is NOT "SCP Containment Site 14".
70. The brig is not a laundry room.
71. The laundry room is not our brig.
72. NEITHER are "the laundry brig".
73. The is no "Supreme Admiral Ekafsi Emansiht" and I will not tell new recruits to report to him.
74. I will not switch CPT. Celestial's decaf with Red Bull, Monster or anything else containing Ginseng and unhealthy amounts of caffeine.
75. We do not have "Pogo Hammers" in our emergency supply kits.
76. That is a cheap faux piece of crap you bought off the street, not a geniune Rolex, and I will not try to pawn it to new recruits for anything.
77. I am not a secret agent undercover to expose corruption in the Dimensional Navy, and I do not have a "license to kill".
78. There are no such thing as "Dimensional Pirates".
79. If it ever turns out that there IS such a thing as Dimensional Pirates, I am NOT allowed to rub in everyone's faces.
80. The liferafts are not toys.
81. There is no such thing as a "shnissugah" and it is not hiding in the engine room, waiting for new recruits to devour.
82. You were not part of a secret organization dedicated to fighting adult tyranny as a child.
83. You do not have Fairy Godparents.
84. There is no such thing as Dragonballs.
85. We are NOT in an Abridged Series.
86. There is no such thing as a "Gabear".
87. If you EVER call CPT. Celestial "Jizz Jackrabbit" again, you deserve everything that's coming to you.
88. The sign labelled "do not pull except in case of fire" is there for a reason.
89. Millie's cat did not frame you for anything.
90. Neither did SMN. Katt.
91. The visiting high-ranking official is NOT secretly a spider-robot.
92. There is no such aircraft as a V-69 Asspray.
93. Pony Fights 2 is not an appropriate selection for movie night.
94. Weed is illegal here just like everywhere else. Don't hide it under your mattress, especially not when you also have "dirty magazines" under there too.
95. Cannibal Holocaust is not an appropriate selection for movie night.
96. I am not a space marine.
97. "Bi-Weekly Riff Trax" are not an appropriate activity for movie night.
98. An MST3K version of ANY movie is not an appropriate selection for movie night.
99. Yvan Eht Nioj is not to be written in any location.
100. NOTHING on the ship is "Pending SCP classification" and there is no person named "Dr. Clef".
101. Puppies are not allowed on board at SMN Katt's request, no matter how cute they are.
102. Food is to be eaten, not used as a weapon. Even if it was made by Ramsey.